Hot! Santorum Questions Obama’s Heliocentrism

 

Says “Earth moving around the sun is an untested theory not based on Bible.”

 

 

COLUMBUS, OHIO (Neuters) – Republican presidential candidate Rick Santorum challenged President Barack Obama’s heliocentrism today, calling his belief that the earth orbits the sun a political view “based on a different theology.”

Santorum spreading his message. (Copyright 2012, Neuters)

Santorum’s sudden rise in nationwide polls has given him a platform to air his devout Roman Catholic views and he has suddenly become comfortable using them to attack Obama’s heliocentric beliefs.  “The idea that the earth is in motion has been discredited since just a few days after Copernicus initially proposed it,” Santorum related.  “If I recall my Sunday School lessons correctly, Copernicus made his observation on a Tuesday and by the following Saturday pretty much everyone agreed that they couldn’t feel the earth move, and therefore Copernicus was an idiot.”  He went on to say that he felt Obama had introduced such a discredited idea into the political debate to shift focus away from more pressing issues like “aspirin’s use as a contraceptive.”

Exactly what made him feel Obama had introduced the orbit of the earth into the debate was not clear, but Santorum refused to leave the subject.  “Obama telling you that the earth moves around the sun is not about you, it’s not about your quality of life.  It’s not about jobs.  It’s a phony theology aimed at explaining the seasons and why our years are 365.242 days long,” he shouted to a cheering crowd.  “It’s not a theology based in the Bible which clearly states that the earth is a filament.”

When asked later by a reporter if he meant to say “firmament,” Santorum responded, “Yeah, sure, whatever.  All I know is that the earth doesn’t move, never has.”  The same reporter asked how he would explain the recent, devastating magnitude 8.9 earthquake in Japan.  Santorum replied by saying, “The problems of the Japanese are of their own making.  As I understand it that earthquake was, uh, well – caused by their attempt to frack energy out of the ground using a method not approved by the Vatican.”  He then quickly attempted to change the subject to Mitt Romney’s rescue of the 2002 winter Olympics.

“Rather than worrying about the Japanese and their fracking earthquake, you should instead be asking Mr. Romney about how he bailed out the Salt Lake City Olympics using an earwig.”


Author

dank

living in new mexico, which is usually considered a part of the USA except by americans who reside in the southeast. i survive on diet of rice and old shoes, and can be coaxed out of my hole with old butterfinger wrappers.

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