The Comprehensive Guide to being a B-grade celebrity in India
The past few years have been a riot for the media. After glorifying thousands it has now been proven that absolutely anybody, with or without a hint of talent can be categorized as a B-grade celebrity. Such that the truly overworked journalists at the press houses may arrive at your doorstep to ask you mundane questions any time of the year, without any prior notice. It is then that you will truly require this fool-proof guide to dodge their sketchy questions and make you seem worthy of celebrity-dom. After all, you can’t afford to go wrong in the 100 word article about you and waste glossy newsprint space.
(These are results of an actual research on the patterns found in Indian celebrities)
1 ) On food: Always mention how you love ‘ghar-ka khaana’ and especially your mother’s Rajma Chawal.
Body Language: Add a creepy nostalgic smile after this.
2 ) On books: Do not try to remember the last book you may have flipped through at the airport. Go for the safest answer: Paulo Coelho’s ‘The Alchemist’. Read the summary if you don’t have the patience to read through the entire text.
Body Language: Smile peacefully after you’ve mentioned The Alchemist, as though you’ve finally figured out what life means thanks to the book.
3 ) On the oncoming monsoon: YOU LOVE HOW THE GROUND SMELLS AFTER IT RAINS. REPEAT.
An additional sentence about how you want to cuddle with your cup of hot Cocoa/ plate of pakodas is a bonus point.
Body Language: Rub your palms together and grind your teeth as though faking a slight chill in your body temperature.
4 ) On politics/ current affairs: Fit the words ‘youth’ and ‘empowerment’ somewhere into a grammatically reasonable sentence and your job is done for the day.
Body Language: Try to look a little fierce.
5 ) On your exercise regime: Don’t delve into the details of your routine. Try to avoid getting into specifics of your cardio and get it over with the simple ‘I just drink lots of water throughout the day.’
Body Language: Try not to betray that you actually care about how you look, it’s just water and some natural talent.
6 ) On your better half: The answer is always “We are just good friends and I respect him/ her as an actor, mentor and as a person.” If you forget these lines, just mutter a “No comments.”
Body Language: Try to look taken aback for half a fleeting second, then smile generously.
7 ) On parents: Make them look like shiny, happy parents. Talk about how they have supported you in every step of your soon-to-fail career and never forced you to study science. Mention how your father always keeps clippings of your Bombay Times interviews and Page 3 spottings in his tiny file.
Body Language: Make puppy face.
8 ) On baring all: “When the correct time and opportunity comes my way, I’ll see but as of now it’s a no-no for me. Even though I am very comfortable in my own skin”
Body Language: Try not to look away.
If even after all these guidelines you feel the interview could have gone better (in other words if you think the article may make you seem stupid) your last and only resort would be to offer the journalist some coffee (Coffee, not tea).
Journalists love coffee.